Saturday, June 12

This Demon is all weirded out by the new Blogger layout. Nothing looks familiar anymore. It's like .... like ... a palm tree in the middle of Highway 17 going through town. Just strange and out of place. What do I do now?

Silly question, I do what I'm doing right now of course.
oh pardon me ...

Thursday, April 29

Had an Accident This Morning
And it could happen to any of us. Raider caught his collar on a loosened piece of the chainlink fence and nearly strangled himself. Having just let the three of them out for the morning potty break, and started to get the kids ready for school, it would have been another fifteen minutes before I went out with them. It took only two minutes before he caught himself, and he's a very lucky dog (so am I) that he has two brothers to set up a howling when one is in trouble.

This just demonstrates the importance of fence maintenance, and of keeping an eye on your dogs when they play outside, even if theft doesn't concern you. I just came back in from snipping all the "hooked" ends off the chainlink fence ... hopefully it doesn't fall apart now. Even if it does, oh well. We are pulling it out this summer to replace it with a good sturdy wooden fence. I'll be happy to see it go.

Wednesday, March 24

Something seriously abnormal is going on here. Yesterday I weighed in at 143 (8 pounds past my normal weight) and today I am 148.5. I swear I ate NOTHING (but yogurt, and a couple of tea cookies ... okay, a dozen) today. Time to go jogging in the mortal world with the Hell Hounds.

Saturday, March 20

I R Dumb.
I blew off my demonic diet because this pathetic, weak-willed Demon has a fondness for food. And now this Demon has packed on a whopping 15 pounds in a week. Ooops. But just LOOK at the energy all that food gave me!
I cleaned my cave!
I moved my furniture around!
I wrote about death and destruction!
I'm typing on this silly thing again!
Therefore the Demon decrees - No Diet is an Evil thing. And all things Evil must be done by Demon.

Friday, March 19

Oh crap. It just occurred to me that today is Friday. More than that, it's the Fridayy that marks the end of lazing about in the cavern during the daylight as the Minions return the Realm of Dark Knowledge in afew short days. This means that I must avail myself of the Light again. I hate daylight.
I'm joining the Friday Five Flock, so here we go:

If you...
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve? - French Cuisine
2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell? - Books
3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be? - Fantasy or Reference
4. ...ran a school, what would you teach? - Creative Arts
5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it? - Heavy Metal
I was so evil yesterday that my hair curled.
It better stay that way for at least three months this time.
Not three days like last time.
Making a firm decision to put off the rest of the housework has already had a positive effect on me. I wrote an entry for the Disease Guide without even noticing. Ha. Now that's skill! I was only putting the index pages together when I decided that I was missing one entry. So I wrote it. Now if I can just pull this off for the rest of the 1200 or so entries. Yeah right. even my great and powerful evil darkness might be stretched a bit thin trying that.

In other Evil News ...
Demons simply can not sing well when they have stuffed up noses. If I was singing Billy Idol I might get away with it ... but Blondie? No I don't think so. I'm loading up my Media Player with an all men-with-deep-voices playlist so I can pretend I'm doing it on purpose. The Minions are giving me strange looks, but I have ceased to care.
Am I free now? Have the chains of housework finally released me to be me yet?
No, not yet. But I'm struggling for all I am worth!
Okay, really I'm just putting it off so I can do other things I have been putting off, like the Diseases and Conditions guide I started and put off for ... oh ... about 18 months now.

Tuesday, March 16

Two weeks since I've updated. Think it's been long enough? My scant defense is that it's been spring-cleaning tme here, and vacuuming furballs, washing walls and scrubbing floors leaves little energyu for creative blogging, or any kind of creativity for that matter, work has suffered too. I'm sure that once I finish I'll be back in full force. I'll finish tomorrow ... maybe. There's not that much left to do really, I'm just very tired of doing so I have hereby dubbed myself : Demon - the Master Procrastinator.

Thursday, March 4

*sniff sniff*
The scent of spring is warming the air around my domain and for not much longer will it resemble Cocytus. The Hell Hounds entice me out into the melting snow, and attempt to bury me under the wetness. Not likely, says I, the great Demon. The Hell Houndsfeel my wrath at their dirty (soggy?) tricks as I pelt them with snowballs.

The minions engage in something termed "puddle-jumping", in which a being leaps high and attempts to soak his companion with mud and slush that is propelled into the air by the force of his landing. I laugh at their antics and wait to teach them never to turn their backs on a foe, lest a soggy ball of snow thump them on the back of their heads.

Tuesday, February 24

Somebody has invaded the Demon's domain. I'm unsure how I feel about this, but I'm fond of this mortal (she spawned my Incubus) so I guess I shall be pleased with her company. She entertains my minions and turns my dreaded Hell Hounds into ... *gasp* ... cuddly lap dogs though.

Saturday, February 21

Oooh I'm a happy Demon, having just secured tickets for myself and a fellow demonic one to see Metallica in May. Someday, I hope to bring my oldest minion with me on one of annual concert trips, but this would be a bad one to start with. Hopefully next year, or even later in the year, we'll be able to catch a better one.

Thursday, February 19

Hooray! My day was spent at the mortal artist's place of interaction again, and finally, after much waiting, my dragon is etched completely under my skin. Photos shall be shown as soon as the film developes.

Tuesday, February 17

The vile apparel pile has been vanquished!
All hail the great and powerful Demon!

Sunday, February 15

I'm still battling the vile apparel pile, but reinforcements have arrived. The Dark Lord who spawned this Demon has come in response to my call for help. The Incubus is also returned. They are currently cataloguing weapons of minour destruction and tools of the demonic trade. These tools and weapons have succeeded in reducing the available space the vile apparel pile (VAP) has to occupy. I am unsure how this will help in the long run, but they assure me that "all will be well, just keep the laundry going". I guess they are engaged in weakening the VAP's hold on my porch, by bringing in mass amounts of other stuff to take up space.

In between letting the imps in the white box thrash laundry from the VAP, I am engaged in creating sustenance for the Incubus and the Dark Lord. They consume great amounts of dark liquid made from beans found in the mortal realm. Soon it will be time to hunt for sustenance for my minions as well.

Saturday, February 14

It's daylight again! The vile apparel has now been reduced to a fraction of it's former glory. I knew it would not be able to hold out against the great Demon of Darkness that is I! My minions are gathering, getting ready to go and cavort in the outer reaches of the realm. In the snow. Crazy minions.

My incubus is on his way home. His conveyance ran out of fuel an hour away late last evening, and there was no way to replenish it. But he will be home shortly now. I had better go and finish off the apparel pile before he returns.

Friday, February 13

I have successfully reduced the pile of nasty apparel to half it's former glory. With great diligence, I may yet prevail. The incubus will not be pleased to find that his Demon's domain was nearly overshadowed by something with such a silly name as "laundry" (I learned it's name while reading a mortal's 'Ramblings').

Five hours and counting until my Incubus returns to my side. What else should be done before then? Eating utensils are being cleaned as I type, minions are comatose in their dungeons, HellHounds have been fed and are now guarding the minions (all but one, lazy-ass Hound, he's taken up residence on the lounging furniture). Perhaps I should employ that mechanical imp, Kenmore, to clean the floors again. Or I'll just go join my lazy Hound with a scroll to read.
More of that bloody white stuff. I think I need to convince the Incubus that the minions and I would be less evil if we lived in a warmer realm. Speaking of .... he shall be returning to me late tonight, with toys. Woodworking toys, not the other kind of toys, though I know well what Incubuses (Incubi?) do for a living.

I was bored this daylight. I reordered the minions' dungeons, and investigated several strange items of apparel that mortals cover themselves in. These things appear to multiply rapidly, and are determined to take over my porch. Leave just one item out, and when I next return to that area of my domain, there are dozens more. The pile had spread clear across the floor and attained a scarey height, rival to my own, but I shall perservere and beat back these vile garments.

The only way they can be beaten it seems, is to shove them inside a large white box, and allow the spawn within to wring the apparel senseless. I tried to catch the spawn in action, being the nosey Demon that I am, but they must have heard me coming, for they abandoned their victims to lie in a soggy, clear-coloured blood-soaked heap. As soon as I closed the lid, the sounds of thrashing resumed, and the spawn returned to their vicious task.

Wednesday, February 11

He left me. I chased my Incubus away with all my evilness. Oh well. He'll be back Sunday. And he's bringing a sacrifice. One for now (woodworking tools) and one or later in the spring (a '93 Jeep YJ Renegade, woohoo!). Good-bye Betsy the Ford, you served us well, but you eat too much.

Saturday, February 7

I am leaving my incubus.
For the weekend. No matter, he'll be gone into the mortal realm the whole time anyway.
I get the minions, he gets the Hell Hounds. Does this strike anyone but me as unfair?

Thursday, February 5

This Demon was not, by any stretch of the imagination, meant to PAINT. Painting is a heinous exercise devised by torturers to punish mortals. Demon must locate some imps to enslave and finish painting.
The minions are off into the cold, experiencing a new mortal pastime of sitting on flat objects and barrelling down a snowy hill at warp speed. I expect a full report when they return. They have incorporated a new little human into their games. She appears to hold up well despite the rigourous work of scaling the hill towing the afore-mentioned flat object.

Friday, January 30

The hunt is on. The Demon has started the search for a climbing lizard. Why you wonder? Just because. Tattoo #3 is now in the planning stages, and it shall be a dragon climbing up the scarred wreck that is my left arm.

Thursday, January 29

My Incubus reminded me why I keep him around this chilly morning. With small minion feeling unwell, and myself in roughened condition, the Incubus took the bigger minion off to the Realm of Knowledge, while I recuperated in my cavern with the little minion.

Wednesday, January 28

Okay, minions have been asking for pictures of my skin art, that'll have to wait until I get my demonic hands on a decent digital camera (or get a film developed). Unfortunately the etching was not completed. But the artist did get a good two hours of colouring in before the light chased Demon back into the shadows. Three more weeks until I get another sitting.
I have no evil to spread today. Some little minion has shared his with me though, and I took to my cavern to rest thanks to some wicked and diabolical plight called 'sneezing' and 'sore-headedness'. Rotten little minion. I shall warn him tomorrow that he is not to spread evil in my direction. I have enough already and his clashes with mine.

Sunday, January 25

My lovely dragon. Tomorrow the Demon will visit a mortal skilled in etching artwork into skin. That dragon you see on the side? Will be completed tomorrow. The Demon is most pleased.
It has come to my attention that some people have way too much time on their hands. Like this Demon. Somewhere around here, I have another blog, one with too many private thoughts and memories to share. So there. And I have another one too. I think blogs are evil as they have thoroughly seduced this Demon.

T minus 40 minutes and counting until my minions fall into a trance again for twelve hours. I can hardly wait for the stillness to descend upon my realm again.
Sunday already. How very dreary.
Demon has the Cold from Hell, and my faithful electronic minion Mikey does too. Or perhaps Mikey has some other type of virus. Even booting could not get him to viualize coherently. So here I type, on Mikey's Offspring, trying to place me claws on the proper keys, on this very tiny keyboard. Come the dawn, Mikey shall go to the other side in hopes some shaman may resurrect his electronic soul and return him to me well-healed.

Wednesday, January 21

Another foot of white stuff in the Realm. The Hell Hounds played while I shuffled off my minions. My incubus will be most displeased this daylight. I thought of sparing him the labour involved in removing the white particles from our gate, but the Light ... Ah! It burns my evil eyes! Best to let him take care of it.

Tuesday, January 20

Caffiene ... truly the nectar of the gods. Not that I'm a god, just a demon, but hey ... when mortals provide you with coffee beans, what else are you to do?

I stooped to menial labour in the Darkness. My minions and HellHounds both have developed a fondness for slumber during the night's darkest hours, and my Incubus was off cavorting again. Whilst my domain was peaceful, I rearranged things in the antechamber. The frigid iciness of Cocytus was encroaching and I had to beat it back with a large rubber hose-thing and used my presence of Evil to melt the ice. It will not encroach again.

When Dark settles the land again, I may continue to ward my domain against such happenings. Or I may join my minions in slumber just to see why they find it so appealing.

Monday, January 19

The big yellow dragon has carted off my minions once more. As there are no pressing needs for my particular brand of evilness, I shall slumber during these lighted hours. The Darkness took it's toll on me, as my chambers were infiltrated by strange and noxious fumes. I suspect they might have come from the Incubus.
Note to Self : No more nourishing the Incubus with that vile substance called "cheese".

Sunday, January 18

I may change the name of my forum to the Axis of Evil. Thanks to a friend and another friend for that lovely appellation. I shall ponder this for a time and see what comes about.
Must gather more minions.
Must make slippers out Hell Hound fur.
Must put my minions in a deep trance for twleve hours.

Saturday, January 17

Argh ... apparently not even a demon is exempt from Murphy's Law. No sooner do I notice that it has stopped snowing, and remark upon it, it starts up again! This time it's windy too, how very nice.

I do not mind snow, I do not mind blizzard conditions, as long as I do not have to venture out in them. Tomorrow, during those painfully bright daylight hours, I must venture out. My oldest minion has to attend that ritual she received a summons for earlier. Bah.

Bloody Hell. It's stopped again.
The snow has finally stopped. Other than my minions, Hell Hounds and personal incubus, I have not seen another living soul today, mortal or not. Eerie and strange, even for one such as myself. Cold too, but my Northern, demonic blood is well accustommed to such temperatures. Except when my HellHound, Kari, decides it's time to come in and forgets to shut the door that he opens himself. I wandered to the other side of my domain and found eight feet of snow spread from one end of the porch to the other. Do you mortals have any clue how much eight feet of snow is? Well, Demon does now! It's enough to cover a 14 x 16 foot area three inches deep in most spots. It occurs to me that Hell Hounds would make wonderful slippers.
The HellHounds are taking much delight in the two feet of snow that has descended over the last 24 hours. Still more snow falls. This side of the mortal realm looks very peaceful and very white. Blindingly white to my accustomed-to-Darkness eyes. Not a soul stirs out in the frigid landscape but for my HellHounds though. I like this ... as long as I do not have to gaze upon it.
My small coven has run into another of those strange mortal customs. This one consists of sending out vasts amounts of colourful paper, with arcane scribblings upon it and directions to use one of their weird communication devices. I availed myself of this device and learned that the little paper my coven received is a summoning for an annual ritual, directed at my oldest minion. Mortals call this a "Birthing Day".

My minion is to bring an offering of some significance, or else she shall be sacrificed to heathen gods called "Popularity". How very strange these mortals are. Do they not know that their gods are false? In my millions of years of living never once have I encountered "Popularity", yet mortals sing his praises at every turn. Silly mortals. I'll bet my next sacrificial fish that "Popularity" is merely Loki playing with a pseudonym. He always did like to tease the mortals. You'd think he'd have grown up in the last three thousand years.

Friday, January 16

Mortal Types That Irk The Snot Out of Me:

1. Mortals who say they will leave forever, and believe "forever" is 48 hours long.
2. Mortals who take advantage of other mortals' weak natures and soft hearts.
3. Mortals who think to control ME, the Demon of Darkness and all that is Evil.
4. Thought Police.

My oldest minion is out investigating strange mortal customs. I believe they call it a "school dance". I'm told there is lots of strange chanting, and much stomping of feet involved. I hope she gathers enough information that I, too, shall be able to infiltrate these odd customs. I like to stomp my cloven hooves and wail.

Thursday, January 15

During the time of Light, I brought my smallest minion to an instructor who trains him in the art of communicating with mortals. Today she focused on the "K" sound ... my evil little minion growled his disapproval at her, but cooperated when I snarled at him to behave. I hate behaving, I can imagine how my minion felt.

My bigger minion recieved sacrificial fish today. We added them to the cauldron with the other sacrificial fish. They shall be left alone for a time.

Wednesday, January 14

Wondering about the Demon's Realm of Darkness? My chilling abode strikes an uncanny resemblance to Dante's Ninth Level of Hell - Cocytus.
"This is the deepest level of hell, where the fallen angel Satan himself resides. His wings flap eternally, producing chilling cold winds that freeze the thick ice found in Cocytus. This place is furthest removed from the source of all light and warmth..."
You can read the full description here.

The Hell Hounds wanted in, not five minutes after going out to play in the snow. No wonder. Silly Hell Hounds. It is currently a lovely -30 degrees Celsius outside. Too chilly for my Caustic Canines, who are used to hotter realms (in other words ... basking in the hot, evil glow that is my constant presence).

Tomorrow I shall stalk the earth. Why you may ask? Because I feel like it. My demonic Northern blood demands that I do so ... or I won't have any groceries. I mean victims to feed my minions. They eat a lot you know.
Ah, the Darkness, my natural habitat, has returned to the land.
When the light returns, my Incubus will desert me once more to consult with the chattering horde of Imps in a realm not far away. It is ever this way. He leaves ... some times with the daylight, sometimes with the darkness. But always my Incubus returns to me at the turning of the clock, smelling of brimstone and sulfur.

Tuesday, January 13

Argh! The light! It burns and scalds my evil eyes!
Too many things walk the Light for me to be comfortable. Things like dentists ... and municipal officers. It shocked me that neither of these creatures shrivelled and squealed in pain when faced with my awesome powers of darkness. But the light makes them strong. Strong enough to poke the teeth of my smallest minion and barter for little metal tags to hang on the collars of my HellHounds.
Must escape the Light ...
I am all that is evil. And I can not sleep. Soon my enemy shall arise (natural light), and my currently comatose minions will stir, ready for another day at the Realm of Darkness. My Hellhounds will come to me for their mission and we will try to take over the world! Oh, sorry ... wrong cartoon. Pardon me.
The shadows are stretching ... the darkness returns and I feel vibrantly alive once more. It is not easy forcing my lazy ass (but evil) out of my chamber at the crack of dawn every time daylight returns. But I must, for my minions must learn their dark skills somewhere. Although, really. You would think a name like Realm of Knowledge of the Dark Arts would imply that it at least is located in darkness. Hell no. That would logical, wouldn't it?

Monday, January 12

Today was such a fun day.
It started like every morning, I hear the call of the Darkside, and drag my tired but evil ass out of bed. Time to rouse my little minions of course. I sat and glared while watching them consume their victims for breakfast. I think today the sacrificial cereal was a large orange tiger. I think his name was Tony.

I watched in pride as the large orange dragon came and collected my smallest minion. His studies in the dark arts will serve him well when I decide to finally unleash him upon the earth. My oldest minion took cloven purple hooves to the Realm of Knowledge of the Dark Arts. The large yellow dragon decided she has become to large to convey, and so must enter the realm on her own.

I did many evil works today whilst my minions were in the Realm of Knowledge.
With a flick of my finger I destoyed many strange particles on my eating tools.
A small imp I have trained was put to work removing my floors of all traces of my last victims.
And the Hellhounds practiced their assassin skills by lying in ambush as I wandered through my citadel of the Dark. I have considered renaming it to Citadel of Light, just so I can see my Hellhounds before I trip over them. There should be a limit to practicing assassin skills.

Tonight I corrupted an Elf. It was joyous to me to see the poor Elf struggle with her good nature, but I lured over to the Darkside, and watched with glee as she drank of the fountain of Evilness.